The Kapil Sharma Show Season 2 – Ep 45 – Full Episode – 1st June, 2019


Ms. Archana, do you see
the atmosphere here today? It’s amazing.. See this excitement. There are lights all around. And it’s obvious, we are
having our producer here today. Our producer and superstar,
Mr. Salman, is coming here. Wow!
– And that too.. He isn’t coming alone. Even Katrina is coming,
you know. Wow! Ever since I have come here, I’m
imagining Katrina everywhere. But why are you laughing
like Ms. Archana? Kapil, look properly.
I am Archana. You spoiled my mood! This is her aura, I tell you. I see Katrina in you today.
– Wow! Otherwise, I have always
seen Goga Kapoor in you. Anyway, let me not forget
the main thing. We are having
our producer here today. Please don’t tell him
your complaints. Do you have any complaints? Don’t even open your mouth
before the producer. Does anyone else
has any complaint? I have. I hardly get to sleep and you
start your show here. How dare you.. You used to trespass
my bedroom and now you are
in my kitchen too. Is this your kitchen? – Yes.
– Look at this lota! – Yes. And it has a chain. Hey! We find such lotas
in train. That’s where I got it from. It was tied to a chain. But the chain was too short. I wrote a letter
to the railways. I told them that their lota
is not reaching the destination. And then he gave
me a very rude answer. He said, take your destination
to the lota. Then I got this lota home. Don’t you feel ashamed of
stealing this? Why should I be ashamed? They already mention that
the railways is our property. You fool! It’s because of people like
you that the railways are vandalised. I have asked you so
many times not to sleep here. I am not the only
one who stays here. Even Ms. Archana stays here.
– Yes. Is it? – Yes. We always safeguard the fruits
from each other. It’s because of
our understanding that the basket of your fruits
is safe here. Come here. – Yes. Take an orange and leave.
– What? ‘Take an orange and leave.’ Even I know that Salman
and Katrina are coming today. And I have set my ‘proto soul’
as per that. ‘Proto soul’?
– What’s that? It’s the same what people set
before meeting someone. Protocol.
– All right. Forget it. I will talk to Mr. Salman
the moment he arrives. But he won’t listen to you. That’s his protocol.
Forget it. Now focus on the main thing. If Katrina says that
I am very cute and smart you should not feel jealous. Please leave.
The show is cancelled. Will Katrina tell you
that you are cute? Why won’t she say that? I had a dream about her
last night. – Oh! – Wow! I was lying here. She appeared in the balcony. So, Katrina appeared
and put a blanket on you. I was feeling cold, so she
was taking care of me. Listen to me. – Yes? Katrina and Salman are coming. Sony Channel
has a message for you. Which is, whenever Mr. Salman
and Katrina come here you should not be present here. I would agree for that. But my fans won’t. Wow! They are campaigning
for me on Twitter. ‘We want Chandu’. Wow! Get lost.. Go.
Leave.. Hey, Sapna!
Why are you hitting me? You didn’t even give me
a massage. Hey, Salman is coming here. Do you think I will
still give a massage to a loser like you?
Get lost! Then why did you take my money? I was in a mood to massage you
back then. Not anymore. You are not in a mood
to give me a massage, right? Then give my money back. I am not in a mood
to return the money. Sapna! I won’t tolerate all this,
okay? Don’t give me this attitude. You don’t know
my brother, Krushna. Govinda is his uncle. Yes. I.. Get lost..
Get lost! Hi, Kapil. How are you?
– What? I have heard that Salman
is coming here. – Yes. What should I do?
– ‘What should I do?’ Tell me. Don’t you dare appear
before Salman Khan with this big mouth. Okay. I will work on it. There’s a technology
nowadays. – Okay. They put a pipe and suck
the excess fat. – Gross! Hey! Beggar! How are you? Shall I tell you one thing?
– What? If you want to be
in Salman’s good books.. – Yes. Get him transferred
to some other city. Why will I go to
some other city, you outsider? Move aside. Kapil..
– Yes. Mr. Salman is coming here. I want to make
a request. – What? To install a hand pump here. One has to take a bath
after a week or so. – Oh, God! I will make arrangement
for that. – Okay. Mukesh runs a pig
washing service in Nala Sopara. You can take bath there. Kapil, will I take bath
with a pig? That’s what the pigs
were asking. ‘Will we take bath
with Chandu?’ Tell you what! He had gone
to take a shower with the pigs. Okay.
– Their head came there. Okay.
– He puked on him. Friendship.
– Move aside. Kapu!
– Yes. – Tell you what! When they arrive..
– Yes.. Divert Katrina’s attention.
– Okay. I’ll take Salman to the parlour
and give him a massage. Salman..
– Salman will leave Katrina and go with this idiot! Really? You beggar
from Bhiwandi! If you talk rubbish I will massage you
with kerosene and take you
to the welding shop. Then you will
learn a fine lesson. Kapu! Nonsense. Kapu! Kapu! Has Mr. Salman arrived? Address me as sir. Bhuri, I will prove
my love today. Shut up. Don’t talk to me
about love. I am talking about
Ms. Katrina, not you. People insult you badly
because of your foolish talks. People insult you so much that you don’t get time
to talk such things. Forget it. Forget it.
They talk rubbish. You don’t worry. This is how boys are. They forget the ugly girl when they meet
a beautiful one. Shut up, Sapna! Wow! I have noticed this
for the first time. Look over there and say it. What? Shut up, Sapna. Did you see her lips?
He pout is like a baby pig. Same. I had never noticed it. It’s the same.
– I know, right? Thank you. You need not
thank me. When the same pig grows up,
it looks like you. Hey! Pigs!
I have put fresh mud outside. Go and swim there. Wow! Hey! Oh, God! Good thing
that I found all of you here. I want to test my jokes. Really? What do you mean? Mr. Salman and Katrina
are coming over. I don’t want
to present some bad jokes. Right.
– Let’s try it. I will narrate some. – Go ahead.
– Just tell me how they are.
– Go on. An elephant says to three ants..
– Okay. ‘Would you wrestle with me?’ The ants say to the elephant.. ‘No, we don’t attack
someone who is alone.’ I am going from here. What? Was it not funny? Not at all. You had narrated
bad jokes last time too. I have made a list.
I will give it to the producer. It was a bad joke again. No, don’t do this. Four people had laughed
even last time. Those at the back.
– Right. By the way,
I am very nervous. Ms. Katrina is coming here.
– Right. You people tell me something.
– What? Do early morning dreams
come true? – Why? Because I had
a beautiful dream this morning. But I dreamt just the opposite.
– What was it? That Shera had come,
instead of Katrina. And he was teaching you
a lesson. How is this possible? I have had ‘Rajma’. Darn. I don’t know about Shera. But when I tell sister
about your activities then she will throw you
out of the house. Throw him out soon.
I want to shift in your house. Chandu, I will forgive you
for your mistakes, today. Because I am focusing
on Ms. Katrina, today. Kapu Sharma.
– Yes? When she arrives..
– Yes. I want to spend
45 minutes with her. 45 minutes. – I want
some personal space with her. Brother-in-law.. No.
Not today. None of your threats
will work today. I may oust you from
the house before they arrive. Please.. Oh! Hi, Kapu.
– I see. You are looking
so handsome today. You are praising me. What’s the matter? I have heard that
Mr. Salman is going to come. Please introduce me to him. Chingari, Salman Khan comes
here once or twice a year. I stay here. Why don’t you meet me? Amazing.. She can’t even
speak Hindi properly. She spends a lot
on her make-up. What happened
to your accounts? One shouldn’t see all this
in love, Bachcha Yadav. Oh!
– Shut up! Love! Look, I will introduce you
to Salman Khan. But after he is gone you have to meet me
9 a.m. to 5 p.m. for a week. Introduce me to Mr. Salman. I will meet you everyday
for four weeks. I won’t introduce you to him
even if you wash my socks. Nonsense! Brother-in-law,
look what he is saying. You can do the dishes
along with washing his socks. It’s not a big deal.
He will introduce you to him. Yes. If you are doing his chores then clean my house
as well. Please. Oh, God! Kapu, listen to me. I have come
to meet Mr. Salman. ‘I have come to meet him.’
She is so sweet. As if we are here
to see you meet him. So what?
That’s your wish. Actually, I have prepared
a dance for Salman. Really?
– Yes. Wow! Listen..
– Yes. Bachcha has prepared
jokes for him. – Okay. So, he is testing them on us. So, you have to present
your dance before us. You must dance for us.
We are here. Come on. Look, that’s not important. You can test the dance
on me as well. I am available. Bachcha, if you were
not human then they would have
prepared Biryani in you. You must think
before saying. Chingari,
you can dance with me. Definitely not. Your mouth stinks. Dance with me, Chingari. Do you know salsa? Me?
– Yes. Salsa? – Yes.
– I get it twice a year. She is asking about
the dance form. What comes twice in a year
is Mr. Archana’s beard. Kapu, I have prepared Biryani for Mr. Salman. You managed to complete
a sentence. Wow! All right.
Fine. The show will go on. Okay. Give me some. I have not eaten
anything since morning. Shut up.
Glutton! This is for Mr. Salman. May be, he will like it and cast me in his film. Chingari. You come this side. I don’t know
about Salman Khan. I am making the sequel
of my film ‘Kis Kisko Pyaar Karoon 2’. I will give you
all the kisses. Oh! I will love you. Kapu, there were
four heroines in the film. I can play one, right? No.
– No? You can’t cast her.
– Why? You will be counted as half. There won’t be four heroines. This is the truth. We can discuss this later. I will carry Ms. Katrina here
from the car when she arrives. Oh!
– And I will make tea for her. Yes.
I will give massage to Salman. I will dance with him. Hello!
I will dance with him. Do you know what I will do? Sure.
What will you do? I will tell you.
– What? Get out from here. Get lost. Get lost. I don’t want
to see you all here. Out.. Shut up. Mr. Archana, Mr. Salman’s films
are always houseful. Our show is also houseful. A big round of applause. Your wait comes to an end. And I will invite the most
popular superstar of Bollywood. Please welcome one and only,
Salman Khan. Oh! Once more.. Once more.. So, let’s give him a round
of applause openly. And a huge round of applause
for our artists, too. Oh!
– Thank you very much. Mr. Salman, you’re most welcome. Thank you. The boss is here.
Bring the sofa quickly. Mr. Salman, you made the opening
of my show. It’s going well.
– Thank you very much. A couple of.. – You managed
the shop this time. I’m grateful to you. Sir, you’ve done
a very good thing. I had not seen such fruits
before. – Okay. It’s your production.
I had not heard about the dragon fruit before. We have that one, too. Ever since it’s here,
I’m wondering how do I peel it from? I mean, I’m enjoying. So, as you all..
– Which one? Which one is the dragon fruit?
– We do have a dragon fruit. Here you go. Here you go.
– Fine. – We have hid it. I think it’s.. It’s a wild
fruit of Thailand. – Is it? You get it everywhere.
– It has created such a hype over here.
– It’s very expensive. Eat the dragon fruit
and bring out the fire within. Oh! So, as you all know, every Eid Mr. Salman releases
his super hit movie and gives a Eid gift
to his fans. – Yes.. No, I don’t give a gift.
In fact, I get the gift. Picture.. I get a movie released on Eid
and when you guys watch it we get our gift.
– Right. I didn’t get it last time.
For ‘Tubelight’. I want double this time.
No, in fact, triple. – Oh! We will also have a penalty. The movie’s name is ‘Bharat’.
We live in India. If you don’t watch ‘Bharat’,
you’ll attract a sin. Sir, Ms. Archana has a question
to you. – Yes. She was saying
your cheque payment that we receive every month..
– Yes. So, does that include the gift
or we’ll get the cash separately?
– Listen.. It’s a big thing that the cheque
is not getting bounced. Well, she already got her gift
from Mr. Sidhu. Sir, there’s a dialogue of yours
in the trailer my life has been much colourful
than the number of grey hairs I have on my head and my beard.
– Yes. So, is that your biopic?
– No, sir. I don’t have many grey hairs
on my head and beard till now. Okay. – So, life is actually
colourful. Yes, very honest answer. And may it continue
by God’s grace. Amin. Sir, you have played
the character of five different age groups.
– Yes. You have even changed your
appearance at places. – Yes. Sir, did it ever happen
in your real life where you had to change
your appearance and go. Sir, long ago,
I was dating someone. And then, I felt like dating
someone else. – Okay. Though it wasn’t
a serious dating. Like in the beginning..
So, I was choosing at that time. I must have been around
17 to 18. She knows me since then.
– Yes. – Is it? – Yes. So, I thought the first one
may feel bad. So, my uncle is a dentist.
I got the fake teeth set done from him and went.
– Really? – Yes. So, the one who I was dating
was actually my ex-girlfriend. Okay.
– The second one. – Oh, okay. So.. You have do it, right?
When your ex.. – Yes.. If she comes back to your life
and wants to meet you.. – Yes. If she’s in a problem,
we should go and meet, right? Yes. – Right.
– But still the present one would feel bad.
So that she doesn’t feel hurt I went and got a fake teeth set
attached, sir. – Okay. I made the teeth appear
coming out of my mouth. The moment I entered
inside the Oberoi Salman, what’s wrong
with your teeth? So, I have faced
a lot of these things. Well, in Baaghi..
– Okay. It was Sabbir’s movie.
– Okay. So, dealing with prostitution
and all that. So, we thought we should go
and find out the atmosphere over there.
So, I covered my face. – Okay. As soon as I entered,
Mr. Salman is here.. Your fans recognise you
just by looking at your eyes. Yes..
– Yes.. – Yes.. Yes! Do you all know Mr. Salman
just loves children. We do watch your pictures
on Instagram or we get to see them
somewhere or the other. By the grace of his siblings he’s already an uncle. – Yes.
– He may be carrying them. Well, the kids don’t know
he’s such a superstar. – Yes. They will know it
only once they grow up. Have they ever peed on you?
– Well.. What a question!
– All of them.. – Okay. Each one of them..
Not once but several times.. Okay.
– It’s like.. Brother, just handle. – Okay.
– And these kids just pee. I’ve become not just uncle
but I have cousins who are quite elder to me.
– Okay. Their children got married
and even they have got kids. So, I have become
a grandfather, too. – Oh! – Wow! Now, it’s like, even their kids
will get married very soon. Because in the Pathan family,
at an early age.. – Yes. People get married.
– Right.. So, I’ll be a great-grandfather
in another three to four years. I will. I’m not only a Pathan.
– Okay. Right. My mother is a Maratha.
– Right. I’m a partial Maratha. My grandma was from here.
– Okay. Another warrior race,
Maratha. My grandfather
was from Jammu Kashmir. – Yes. He was a Dogra Rajput. So, all different warrior blood
is within us. We have another mom, Ms. Helen.
– Yes. She’s a Burmese.
– Yes. So, what we have got
from her also.. You seem to have covered
the entire Asia. Not me, my father did.
– Yes. Mr. Salman, you are famous. You have the blessing
of the God. – Yes. You have everything in life. We’ve watched on the news
that you help the needy. – Yes. Have you ever
seeked help from anyone or borrowed money
from your friends? I’m still paying off the debt,
sir. I have a friend
whose name is Iqbal Ratnasi. I’ve recently launched his son..
– Okay. …Zaheer Ratnasi.
– Yes. – Zaheer.. I made a big mistake.
I borrowed Rs. 2,011 during my childhood.
– Is that so? – Oh.. I’ve spent way more
in this launch. I never used to have money
for petrol in those days. I borrowed some money
from Iqbal Ratnasi for petrol. Okay.
– Okay. Forget about the money
I borrowed for fuel I should pay him a huge amount.. Mr. Salman, you have completed
almost 30 years in the film industry.
– Yes. Even the fashion
has changed a lot. You get to witness
a new look in Mr. Salman with respect to time. Do you think of the old movie
you’ve acted in and feel funny looking
at the dress that you wore? Sir, I wasn’t wearing
any dress in a movie. What! You weren’t wearing any dress! I wore a wig
in that movie. – Okay. I acted in the entire movie
by wearing just a wig. It was a lengthy blond wig.
– Okay. So, the movie was released
on Friday and pulled from the theatres
on Sunday. – Okay. – Oh, God! Oh, God!
– I got to know on Monday when I saw a picture wherein the colour of the hair
on my head was blond and black on the chest. No one noticed it
in the entire movie. I think, we have that movie
with us. Do we have it?
– It’s ‘Suryavanshi’. You might have it. It’s everywhere,
to tarnish my image. There you go. Wow! Superb! Mr. Salman, the elections
got over recently. – Yes. Some political parties
invite popular actors and ask them
to contest for elections. I don’t think there’s anyone
as popular as you. Didn’t you ever feel
like contesting the elections? Sir, I do feel. But then,
I look at my building.. Okay, sir. There are eight stories
in my building. Out of eight,
we own three stories. – Okay. And from my building.. Be it Prime minister, minister MLA, MP..
Forget about any post. – Okay. Even if I contest for the post
of secretary for my building.. Okay.
– …I will lose. I won’t get even
three votes from my own family. She is saying something.
What did you say? You’ll vote for me!
– What will he do with one vote? Even she will vote for you. They all are taking it
seriously. Take a look.
How sweet of you. Everyone is saying
that they’ll vote for you.. Many of your movies
were blockbuster. Ms. Archana wanted to just check your memory.
– Okay. She said that you’ve acted
with so many actress. In fact,
the name of the character is different in every movie. We’ll display the photo
one by one. Can you tell us
the name of the character in that particular movie? First of all, I won’t be able
to recognise the actress. It’s been several years. The photos..
– No.. The old movies..
– No.. We have both, Mr. Salman There’s no chance,
if it’s an old one. We have both,
old and new movie. We’ll display one by one. You might definitely remember
the names of actress. – Yes.. We’ll display it one by one.
– I’ll give it a try. This movie..
– Sir, her name is Bhagyashree. Okay. – And the name
of the character was Suman. Wow!
– Oh! I can never forget it. I recently came back
after shooting this movie. Okay.
– Her name is Sonakshi Devi. And..
– Sonakshi Devi! And the name of her character
in the movie is Rajjo. Rajjo.
– Oh! Next.. What is this? I’m not able to recognise myself
in the photo. – Yes. Yes, it’s ‘Wanted’.
– It is ‘Wanted’, right? It’s ‘Wanted’ and the name
of the actress is.. If you give up the answer
then how will he face the test? Thank you very much.. No.. – I..
– No cheating. For a second, I was about to say
Ayesha Jhulka. I’ve worked
with Ayesha Jhulka, too. It’s Ayesha Takia!
Thank you.. She is Ayesha Takia,
and the name of her character in the movie was.. Jhanvi.. Her name was Jhanvi..
It was Jhanvi. Next.. She is Karish..
Kareena Kapoor. – Yes. She is Kareena Kapoor.
And this photo is from the movie ‘Bodyguard’.
– Yes. And her name..
I’ve referred to her as ma’am
throughout the movie. – Okay. So, her name..
– Chayya.. Chayya.. Hazel Keech’s name
was Chayya, ma’am. Even Hazel Keech
has acted in the movie. – Yes. Yes.. She is now Yuvraj’s wife.
– Yes. So.. – Her name..
– …Hazel’s name was Chayya and Kareena’s name
was Divya! Divya!
– Oh! Wow! We have more photos.
Please.. Oh..
– So cute.. So cute.. The name of the movie
is ‘Hum Aapke Hain Koun’. And his name was Prem. And what was Ms. Madhuri’s name? Misha..
Nisha! – Nisha. – Nisha.. – Wow! Next.. I’ve treated her some ‘Bhujia’.
– Okay! Nirjara was her character name. And my name was Radhe,
in the movie, ‘Tere Naam’. This movie influenced
many young men. – Okay. Even the guy
who plays the keyboard has the same hair style.
Take a look. He’s got it half right. This.. I can’t see her face.
If I have to recognise her from the backside,
she is.. I don’t want to say
a wrong name. Hey, she is Katrina.
– Okay. And her name in the movie was Soybean.
– Zoya.. Zoya.
– Zoya! Let’s chat with Mr. Salman
for a long time. Please come, Mr. Salman.
– Thank you. Please have a seat. It’s now time
to invite the person who played an important role
in the movie, ‘Bharat’ With a huge round of applause,
let’s welcome the very beautiful,
very charming and very talented actress..
Please welcome, Katrina Kaif! Katrina Kaif! Oh! Katrina,
we heartily welcome you. Thank you.
– A big hand for Katrina Kaif. Am I supposed to sit next to
you? – I am not that fortunate. So, Salman,
will you please come here? It’s okay.. – All right? Mr. Salman is the producer here. I will sit wherever
you want me to. He is not happy. No. Kapil is not happy.
– I am happy. He is our producer. Oh, I see! Apart from the tags of being the
most beautiful and charming.. Okay. She has also got the tag
of the most talented. – Okay. That’s because of my films
like ‘Ek Tha Tiger’ and ‘Bharat’. Sit down. – Welcome..
– Sure. This is amazing! Wow! Fantastic. First of all, congratulations
to you. – Thank you. You are looking very beautiful and you have delivered
your dialogues sweetly. But I have a bad news for you. What’s that? I got married. Congratulations! Thank you.
– He is happily married and that’s evident by
his tummy. – But.. I am married now. I don’t have to show
anything to anyone. You seem very fit.
– Really? You are looking very fit.
– Breathe out. Actually, it’s a problem..
– Trust me.. You are looking very fit. Thank you, Kat. Sony TV, I want an increase
in my budget. – Kat? I am the one who
provides you the budget. Do you have
any diet tips to share? Dieting? – Do you have any dieting tips or
gym tips to share? I eat half a kilo of ice cream
before I sleep. – Oh? Okay.
– Did you stop doing that? All that is now stopped. Do you gulp the whole
‘Pani Puri’ at once? Yes.. Lots. How many of them
do you eat maximum? I eat 7-8 altogether. Easily. – She does. Sir, have you ever
tasted ‘Pani Puri’? I have it every day. – Is it? There’s a star who’s
always drunk. I won’t take his name. He came to my farm one day. I know him from
our childhood. I bought that farm before
I did ‘Maine Pyar Kiya’. So he has been visiting
that place since then and then he became
a big star. He finally came to my farm
after a long back. – Okay. So, I was there with
Sajid Nadiadwala.. I know who you
are talking about. So there were a couple of us and mom arranged
the ‘Pani Puri’ there. – Okay. He came and asked us
what it is to which I replied by saying
that it’s ‘Bhel’ and ‘Pani Puri’. ‘Oh, my God!
This is ‘Pani Puri’. ‘How cool is this!’ And he stays in Juhu. Who is he?
Who are you talking about? Let’s change the topic. Katrina, you know.. You used to meet Mr. Sidhu here. Now we have Ms. Archana here. But Mr. Sidhu has
sent a letter for you. – Wow! He has mentioned ‘hit it’
instead of ‘open with smile’. There you go! So this is his letter. I will read it out for you.
– Sure. So he says ‘dear, Kat.’ Kat? – Yes. – Okay. Mr. Sidhu has written this. You took so long to come. You took so long to come. Had you told me that
you are coming now I would’ve left
the MLA seat for you. How sweet!
– Where is he now? Very sweet!
– Mr. Sidhu is in Punjab. Is he in Punjab? – Yes. He was busy in the elections.
– I see. He was busy in elections.
– Right. So he says,
he is in politics now but he loved your political
drama, ‘Rajneeti’. Wow! He says,
if you like this couplet you can send him a flying kiss. ‘Yours Sheri!’ Mr. Sidhu, are you happy now? Oh.. Oh, wow! Our master is here. Hello, Mr. Salman! Hello, Ms. Katrina! Hey.. He was practising
to call you ‘Kat’. And now you are calling
her ‘Katrina’? What do I do now?
I can’t help it. Mr. Salman.. Come in front and talk. Tell me something.
– He won’t say anything. Come. ‘He won’t say anything’. Sir, the show will go on.. But tell me something.
You are such a good man. You are sitting here
and I take my entry and my legs
are shivering, why? Because they are weak. Get it checked, seriously. Even the birds have more
hemoglobin than you have. This is what I wanted
to show you. This is how they treat me
on this show. I.. – This is still so good. Sir, I even wrote a letter
to the CEO of your company. Who’s he? Mr. Nadeem..
– Nadeem Qureshi? He is not a CEO. He is CC, EE,
OO and everything. I wrote him a four page
letter. I don’t know if he
understood or not. He just asked me to get out. Katrina,
we don’t entertain him much. We can get him thrown out. No.. Why? Did you hear that?
– He is good. That’s because
of her humble nature. Ms. Katrina, he is telling lies. Actually, I am a very important
character of this show. Yes. He is the very important
character of this show. I totally agree. Because everyone were
so good in the last show that it caught the evil eyes
and it had to stop. – Yes. For this show,
we needed someone like him.. The dispeller of evil eyes.
– So that.. So that he can ruin your timing. So that the show doesn’t
catch evil eyes. – Right. He is the dispeller
of evil eyes. My first impression..
– Say it English. My first impression
is never good. But my last impression
is always rocking. Always? So give me some years. Some years? – Some years? He asking for a few years.
– I see. – Yes. Please prefix ‘please’.
– I will rock.. I will rock. And, ma’am,
you will like me. He will definitely ask you
money as he spoke in English. Sir, there’s nothing as such.
Listen to me. The producer of the show is here and you have still kept
the old fruits. I have still maintained
my old friends. Should I throw them too? He is our school time friend. That’s why he is in this show. This is pure nepotism. And that too on our money. Friends should be talented.
– Yes. Like, I have Nadeem Qureshi.
– Yes. He is CCEEOO.. – Okay. It’s because of him that
we got this show. He taught me a
mathematical sum in childhood. I am still paying him
for the same. We’ve spoken enough
about studies. Just say a few words in my
praise in front of him. Let me do it. – Fine.
– Katrina, when he was born.. Normally, what does
the nurse say? Congrats, you got a baby! When he was born, the nurse
said, ‘Whatever has happened ‘it’s okay, now move on.’ And when he was born,
the nurse said nothing. She said, ‘Call the police,
Something has gone wrong. And the police came and said,
‘This baby is cute, pick it up.’ And you know what?
Normally, babies suck fingers. He ended up sucking
the pistol of the police. The bullet came out
three days ago. – Oh, God! Please keep quiet.
An actor will speak to a producer today.
– Then call the actor. I am an actor. I’m not some lamb. The lamb is very cute,
you sheep with big teeth! Chandu, sit and speak. Last night, I dreamt
that Ms. Katrina is visiting us and I had taken her
to an elite hotel for dinner. What rubbish! What did you say? You know, Mr. Salman?
He went to an elite hotel to have dinner. The waiter placed a napkin
around his neck. There was a knife
in front of him. He said, ‘Keep the sideburns
this short.’ Come on! He threw the bowls
of Dhal at his face. The gravy has been coming out
since three days. – Lovely! He has eaten three ‘Butter Naan’
with that gravy. – Disgusting! Seriously, people get
dark circles. Take his shirt off and check.
He has hunger circle. Mr. Salman, you keep going
out of country. Take him with you
and show him the world. He keeps looking
at the tummies of men here. What’s the point
in looking at your face? It resembles your tummy. Mr. Salman, you made the movie
‘Bajrangi Bhaijaan’. You cast Mr. Nawazuddin Siddiqui
in that. – Right. Did you ask him what he
was doing in your movie? You are comparing him with you! He catches hold of characters,
you catch hold of people’s leg. There’s a huge difference. You are blabbering. The Hollywood people are going
to hold my feet someday. Is it so?
– Yes. Well, Mr. Salman, I wanted
a suggestion from you. You are a superstar. I had got a call from Hollywood.
They told that their Iron Man is no more.
– Oh! Oh, my God! Shall I agree readily? Or ask for the script first? Oh, God! Iron Man! Security, just kill him. I’ll tweet tomorrow
saying ‘Chandu is no more’. You made such a serious
announcement directly that Iron Man is no more! What’s the problem?
Two actors are discussing. Listen to the script first.
– After listening to.. It’s very important. Fine, sir.
I’ll listen to the script. He doesn’t have the confidence
of an actor. When one sends his resume,
he mentions he’s an actor. He mentions in the bracket ‘If
necessary, he also makes tea.’ Sir, he treats me very badly
on the show. He has provided vanity to every
actor and has fruits placed inside them
but never in my vanity. You provided him a vanity? Mr. Nadeem, you provided him
a vanity? I am sitting in the tent.
He is in the vanity. Fine.
– Blow up money. Come on, blow up money.. By teaming up with him.. Honestly, I am your biggest fan. He makes strange demands. He says that he wants to sit
in the front and interview you. Tell them what you were saying. Do you know, sir?
We studied in the same school. I can do all that he does.
But he doesn’t let me do it so that I don’t become famous. Mr. Salman and Katrina
are in front of you today. You become famous.
Go ahead. How can I become famous
like that? You do it. Seriously.
Do whatever you want to do. A big hand for Mr. Salman
and Ms. Katrina. Is it fine?
– Superb! So, sir, a hearty welcome
to you on our show. Mr. Salman, you are into charity and so on.. So, do you do charity for sick
people or for normal people too? I allowed you to interview them. You started begging indirectly. I am not begging.
I’m asking for the information. Fine. Only for sick people.
– Okay. You do it through cheques?
– Yes. It goes to people’s
bank accounts. – Yes. The ones who don’t have
the accounts.. Do you give it to them
on the spot or send it through Mr. Shera? It reaches their homes.
Shera delivers it. Hey, bounced cheque!
Ask proper questions. Why are you asking
such questions? No.
What are you thinking? It wasn’t for me, it was
for common people. Otherwise, I have
four to five accounts. Wow, rich man of Goregaon! Facebook had blocked
your account. Which is the bank that
opened an account for you? Sir, this is my last question.
He’ll go on like this. You offer charity amount just like that or do we need to have our bones broken
for that? Security! Call the security
from the other shows. It’s time for me to leave, sir. So, I am leaving.
Can I get a hug from you? Thank you, sir. Just tell them that you are..
– I was joking. Thank you.. Thank you, sir.
Thank you, ma’am. Bye.. Mr. Salman, Ajay Devgan was here
a few days ago. – Right. He was saying he has phobia
of getting into the lift. He gets scared
when the lift closes. That he might fall down. The kids wanted to know..
You are Salman Khan. Do you fear anything? If it’s a height of 4 to 5
stories, it’s fine. I see. – I see.
– If it’s more than that and the lift is old, it has been
going up and down since many years, the nut and bolt
of the flooring could have been tightened. They would have done
proper welding and soldering. So many people, around 6-8
of them, 660 kg.. The lift is going up,
we are going down. You are also scared of lift?
– Yes. Katrina, do you fear anything?
– Spiders, cockroach. That’s why she doesn’t
watch ‘Spiderman’. You’re scared of spiders? – Yes,
a lot, cockroach, actually. Mostly, I’m scared of cockroach. Don’t you believe in ghosts? I am not scared of ghosts.
No. The ghost will show up
before you. – Friendly ghost. Friendly ghost.
– Friendly.. Friendly ghosts.
Ghostbusters. What did she just say?
– Ghostbusters. – Ghostbusters. She was saying that had this
show been in English she would have
kicked our backside. Look at her audacity! I see. – So, we should
do the show with her in English. Okay.
– So.. So..
Let’s have a chat in English. Yes.. No, Mr. Kapil.
I didn’t say this. Swear, you didn’t say this. Come on, swear.
Didn’t you tell this during the break? No.. – Take a swear. – I asked
you if you want the nut. No, take a swear. Indians understand..
– I asked you.. – All languages. Be it English, Hindi..
– Of course.. Bengali, Marathi, Punjabi,
Odia.. – I can understand. I can speak Russian also.
– Is it so? Yes.
– So many languages. Yes. Should I ask her
in English? Yes. In English.
– Did you afraid of anything? Tell me.
– Are you afraid? Are you scared of anything? I am scared of love. Wow! Wow! This dialogue is from
the film ‘Dabangg’. Right.
– That’s what I am saying. You are scared of love? You are not scared
of being slapped. – No. So, people say
that Salman and Katrina have done so
many films together. So they want to know
how much you know about each other. I will ask you
a few questions. Sure.
– About Mr. Salman. Mr. Salman, I will ask you
about Katrina. Katrina, your first
questions is.. Tell me the names
of Salman’s friends. Sajid Nadiadwala. Okay. Prashant, Jaggi..
– These are three names. Nadeem. Yes.
Four friends. Okay.
– I told you four names. What is his favourite
time pass. Hold on.
Ask him if it’s right. That’s right.
– It’s right. Kamal, Nads.. I didn’t say Kamal.
Nadeem. And a very old
dear friend of mine. Sadik..
– Shahrukh. Oh!
– Shahrukh. Sadik is there.
You are not my Shahrukh. Shrikant is sitting
right there in front of me. Children.. Since the age of 12,
we have known each other. Oh! What is his favourite
time pass? Doing nothing. He doesn’t want
to do anything. He kills time by
doing nothing. – Yes. Okay. Katrina,
who is his favourite heroine? In today’s generation..
I would say.. Katrina Kaif. Before she takes
any other name.. I would say.. Katrina Kaif.
Seriously. No. I would say Madhuri. Okay. – I have
worked with her before. Yes. Okay.
What does he.. But Mr. Sri.. Sridevi. Sridevi was my most favourite. She was your favourite..
– Yes. What is his favourite food? Everything.
Anything will do. Really? – You just
have to place it before him. Not away
from him. Here. There’ll be a problem
if it’s kept away. It should be close to him.
That’s all. You have to place it before him
and that’s it. It should be placed
close to him. In which year
will he get married? Salman, you wanted.. Only two people
can answer this question. Okay. One is the God. Second is Salman. Smart answer. Sir, I will ask you
something about her. Which actress does
Katrina like? Katrina likes one actress. She has always been
her favourite. I admire her choice. Her name is Katrina Kaif. Wow! Which habit of hers
you find irritating? Beautiful girls don’t irritate
much. – There aren’t any. There are many. But.. Working so hard
even now.. – Okay. I find that irritating
because she doesn’t have to work so hard. Sometimes,
just to show that God
has blessed her and she wants to appreciates and wants to work harder. That’s why, she works hard. There’s a compliment
in this as well. Amazing. Mr. Salman, you are a film star. Katrina, it normally happens that there are rumours
about the star. We don’t believe those rumours.
So, we ask them directly. Sir, there are rumours
about you. You have a single bed
in your bedroom. You have single bed
because you are single or you are not getting married
because you have single bed? So, the nation wants
to know. Nation wants to know.
– Nation wants to know. No.
I don’t have a single bed. It’s a
double bed. – Okay. It’s a normal bed. Okay. I used to have
single bed when Arbaaz and I
used to share a room. Okay. Then I shifted downstairs
and Arbaaz got married. And then.. I had to take
a double bed. Okay. It’s a normal bed. But my mother.. ‘Vastu’ was trending. Yes. – And a lot
of people believe in Vastu. A friend of hers
had knowledge about Vastu. And.. Whenever I used
to come back from shooting or from the outdoor then I used to see
that the angle of bed used to
be changed. – Okay. Sometimes it used
to be like this. Sometimes it used to be
like this. Sometimes here. It had changed
in every angle. I used to enter my room.. My bed.
I asked my mom if it has helped. She told me
that it hasn’t worked on me. ‘Shall I give you an idea?’ ‘You have tried
all the angles.’ ‘Now, keep the bed
up straight.’ As soon as I enter the room I sleep as it is. There are a few more rumours. Mr. Arbaz had broken your
teeth when you were in school. Yes. I thought, it was a rumour.
– Is it true? – Yes. Two teeth in the front. Really?
– I mean.. There were many chips. And for a long time.. In fact, I did modeling
with my chip teeth. And.. We
were playing some weird game. My mom’s elder sister,
Aunt Sulma.. We were at her place. There was a slide. Okay. – Where
kids play. – Yes. It was such a stupid game. I was not letting
Arbaz come up. And Arbaz was letting
me go down. Okay. On the slide. We are holding hands.. Arbaz got irritated. And he pulled me up. Okay.
– I came flying.. Oh! And landed on my teeth. And my teeth chipped. There was a game
we used to play. We had watched
a film ‘Arzan’. Okay.
– Okay. It was ‘Tarzan Bundolo’. He used to play Tarzan. A primitive man. Well-built man A well-built man
is a Tarzan. There was a duel
with the spears. He made a ring. He made another ring. And were throwing
spears on each other. Okay. – And
whoever gets hit is out. We took this
big stones.- Oh! I made a ring here
and Arbaz made it there. And poor Sohail
made one other there. He was very small. Sohail’s stones were not
reaching to us. Okay. And we are dodging
the stones. Nothing happened.
Sohail acted smart.. ‘Try and hit me now.’ And he hid behind
the dustbin. I see. His luck was so bad on that day.. I kept throwing stones. I tossed one stone in the air.
– I see. It was a small stone,
not a big one. It was a small one.
I tossed it in the air. It went like this and
landed behind the dustbin. I see.
– And behind the dustbin.. He was bleeding.
– Oh, God! Arbaaz and I ran away
from there. One day Arbaaz was
irritating me. I was studying.
I was so good in studies.. Oh, my God! I was studying very hard.
So that I could pass the exam. I wanted to get at least
more than 48 per cent. Arbaaz already completed
his portion. I was holding a pencil
in my hand. He kept irritating me.. It was going on. It was almost
one and half hours.. I told Arbaaz,
‘let me study’. ‘You have finished your portion.
Let me study.’ But he kept irritating me. So I just threw
the pencil at him. And the pencil..
As you see in movies.. And it got stuck on his chest.
– Oh, God! I saw.. The tip of
the pencil was inside. It got stuck there.
And it was dangling. Arbaaz saw down and.. It got stuck there.
What a shot! Right in the centre! ‘Dad..’ ‘Dad, see.’ And I pulled the pencil out.
And he started bleeding. We were children. We were 13 years old then. Their childhood incidents are
coming out gradually. I have heard a rumour that once Mr. Salim got
punishment in your school instead of you.
– What! Yes.
– Let me ask you. Yes, it was like.. I used to get punishment
in school on regular basis. I see.
– There used to be whip marks on my back. I don’t know
why they wanted to.. They used to like beat me up.
– Oh, yes! No reason. I was such a good kid
in school. One day my dad was returning
from his job. He saw me standing outside. He asked me
what I did this time. I told him that I did nothing.
I was in 4th grade. I see. – I said
I didn’t know the reason. I was asked to stand’ ‘near the flag post.
And I am standing here.’ He went and asked
the principal ‘what has my son done now?’
He says ‘he hasn’t paid
his school fees’. Oh!
– I see. ‘That’s why, I made him..’
My dad says ‘he is not supposed
to pay the school fees.’ ‘I am supposed to pay
the school fees.’ ‘You are supposed
to keep him in class.’ ‘I am running short of money.
I will pay the school fees.’ ‘But right now,
if you need to punish’ ‘you need to punish me.’ So dad was standing
under the flag until the school got over,
under the flag post. Great! Katrina, I will give you
a cue card. Few names are written
on the card. You are not supposed to speak.
You need to make sound. And Mr. Salman needs to guess.
– What will he guess? He needs to guess..
– The name of the thing, right? Yes, the name of the thing. It’s very difficult. Just a moment. Okay. Oh.. Table tennis. No.
– Horse. Water drops. Oh, I see. I thought it was a watch. I thought it was a watch. Bee..
– No. No.. No way..
– Not bee? Mixer grinder.
– Yes! Wow!
– Wow! Okay. Snake.
– Oh.. Snake.
– That one.. No.. Police.
– Siren. Ambulance..
– Ambulance siren. – Yes. Ambulance! Ambulance..
– Did you see? Great! How does an ambulance
siren sound? I thought police are coming
in an ambulance. Both got mixed. Make sound like ambulance siren.
– Ambulance.. Actually, it’s better.. What!
– It’s correct. – It’s correct. Okay. Heartbeat.
– It’s clear. Nice. Okay.
– Of course. Correct. What! Cat.
– Baby. – No.. Baby is crying.
– Yes. Baby. Katrina, wow!
You have done so good.. – No.. Sit down. You try.
I am sitting here. – Okay. Had someone else been
sitting here he wouldn’t have been
able to guess. Hold on. You come here.
– I am asking you. There is one more.
– I am asking you. Yes.
– What will you do if I get up?
Go and sit there. Me?
You want me to guess? Yes, the last one.
Let’s see. Thank you.
– Okay. Yes.
– Okay. But guess properly, okay?
– Yes. – Don’t cheat. Why not?
– Okay? I mean, why. Okay.. Breathing. No..
– Crying. What?
– Crying. Sobbing. Snoring.
– Yes. – Snoring. No matter where I sit..
– Why did you say? No matter where I sit,
I have all the answers. Yes! Reduce the sugar in radish!
– Stop romancing in public.. Reduce the sugar in radish!
– Stop romancing in public.. Reduce the sugar in radish!
– Stop romancing in public.. Reduce the sugar in radish!
– Stop romancing in public.. Bachcha, what are you doing? I’m kissing an old lady, buddy.
– What! What do you think, buddy?
There’s a protest going on here. We’re on a strike here.
Can’t you see? You’re asking
such silly questions. Wow, buddy! Wow!
Our producer is here! Sir.. Ms. Katrina, how are you?
– I’m fine. Oh, Lord! Come on, beat the drums hard. We have our boss here. We have our boss here. Oh, Lord.. Ms. Katrina. – Yes.
– ‘Namastey London’ to you. ‘Hello Brother’ to you.
And Mr. Kappu, for you what are you doing
over here, buddy? What’s wrong with your hair?
– With the hair.. – It’s just a hair raising experience.
– Oh.. So, Mr. Salman, I hope
your life is going well. Sir, you’re the producer.
You anyway know that these silly jokes
help us earn our living. It’s fun, sir.
Sir, you anyway know what’s going in the industry. There are some people
who are only taking interviews sitting in one place. There are some others
who keep laughing banging the table. Hey, guys! Just shut your mouth. We’re here on a protest.
Sorry. My apologies. We’re on a protest. Just stop this.. Why didn’t you say it after me? You asked us to shut our mouth.
– Hey! You were laughing
and that’s why, I asked you to shut your mouth.
Speak up, guys. There’s a protest going on.
Just stop this.. Hello, baby.
– Hey, mister! Switch off your phone.
– Switch off your phone! Hey, not for the protest! That’s not something
we’re on strike for! The purpose of strike
is something else! I was saying about that.
I was asking you to switch off your phone.
– Should I switch off the phone or stop romancing?
– Strange. Do this, buddy.
Switch off your phone. Stop your romance.
Shut your mouth. Stop all three of them.
– We didn’t discuss all three of these.
It will be charged triple. I will give you four.
– I won’t take it. I’ll take only three.
– Hey! I said I’ll give you four tight slaps!
Do you get that? Listen, guys. None of your phone
should ring anymore. If at all it rings,
I’ll break it right here. Not just the phone.
I’ll break that man whose phone rings.
Do you get that! – Yes, I did. Did you? – Yes..
– Did you? – I did. Just stop this.. Who’s calling me up repeatedly? Sir, just a second..
– Yes. What do you want to do? Hey!
Hey, no! Hey!
– Oh, God! Hey, no! It’s my phone, guys.
Hey, no! Hey!
What! Hey! Hey, guys! Sir! Sir..
– Oh, Lord! Sir! Oh, Lord! Sir, we have broken
both of them. Good job.
– Thank you. Thank you.
He said, good job. Let’s go.. My apologies, sir.
I’m really sorry. This protest and strike.. It’s not an easy task
to go on a strike, sir. I started with it
but it doesn’t.. Well, Ms. Katrina,
you know what? It’s a big day in my life,
today. I had a big dream
that was fulfilled today. What.. – What’s that..
– I had a dream that you should be here.
I should be here and there should be
a long drive. Wow!
– How is your dream fulfilled? She’s sitting over here.
– Yes, she’s here. I’m here. Someone would have gone
on a long drive. That’s fine. How does it matter? Well, this is how a poor man
fulfills his dreams. These things happen.
These little things give us happiness. Bachcha, did you see
‘Bharat’s’ trailer? Sir, mind blowing! The trailer of ‘Bharat’
is so amazing! I did see it.
I liked it very much. I mean, there’s no bad scenes.
Let me tell you it’s not ‘Bharat’!
It’s ‘Swachh Bharat’ totally! I just loved it. But our protest should continue. Just stop it, guys.
Stop romancing in public. Bachcha, what problem
do you have if people romance in public?
– I do have a problem. Just as the government
has banned excreting in public romancing in public
shouldn’t be allowed. Romance and excretion
does have a difference. – Yes. What’s the difference, buddy?
One cries after romance and washes after excretion.
– Oh, God! Nowadays boys and girls,
those who are in love.. What do they do? They scribble on rocks,
walls and trees.. ‘Deepak Loves Kusum’.
For what joy? What if a dog
relieves himself on that tree? Deepak will get all wet. Will Kusum
like a wet Deepak? Baccha,
why are you so upset? What happened with you?
Tell us. What happened with me? You know what
really happened with me? Do tell us. Can I have
some sad music please? Hey.. That’s sad music? Your band is product
of Punjabi nepotism. Now listen to me. Give me a happy tune
the sort you play at weddings. I’ll tell you now,
Mr. Salman, Ms. Katrina. The rocks at Band Stand,
near your building.. There was a time even I was
a frequent visitor there. Pushpa..
That was her name. I really loved her. I spent a lot of time on
those rocks waiting for Pushpa. Nights would
roll into mornings. Nature’s call came promptly,
but not Pushpa. What’s to cry? It’s depressing! After a point,
people started I’m a rock too. One guy even
wrote on my back ‘Raj loves Aditi’. Right here. There wasn’t an
arrow piercing the heart or else you wouldn’t be able
to sit. Why are you dragging the arrow
out of context? What a weird guy! You host such
a popular TV show. You should be a
bit more serious in life. You now what? People
who watch this show laugh at it. Of course! It’s my job
to entertain people. Then go ahead. All the advise you just gave
wasn’t actually required. I picked that up from
your movie. Ma’am, I quoted a dialogue
from your movie now please help me take this
movement forward. Please promote it. Your cause is wrong.
Why would she promote it? What?
– You’re talking nonsense. Why? – Do you know
anything about romance? Do I know about romance?
– Yes. No.. How would I? My 11 children were gifted to me by the government,
because I linked my PAN number
with my Aadhar Card. So.. – At least,
crack a joke for them. Look at him. I know
why he said that. He knows the moment I crack the joke it’ll be
time for my exit. Basically, he’s asking me
to get out. – Yes. He knows it all. He’s too smart. Anyway.. I’ll crack a joke for you. You’ll enjoy it. I’ll add an English flavour
in the joke, today. Wow.. – Yes,
that’s right. Ms. Katrina.. Please translate for me. I’ll say something in Hindi and you’ll translate it
to English for me. An unmarried girl is standing
down there. Misunderstanding! Miss-under-standing.. One more.. Yes. – What is
a bell but can’t be rung? Well.. It’s a dumb bell. Anyway..
Thank you very much. It was nice
talking to you, sir. That’s it?
– Sorry? Just two jokes? Stocks are limited today,
sir. But I’ll be back with more
next time. Yo bro!
Thank you very much. Ms. Katrina,
thank you very much. Yo! Oh, God! Someone, get this cleaned. It happens.. So friends, since there’s
a lot to talk about I’ve made Salman
and Katrina promise me that they’ll be
with us tomorrow as well. You all, keep laughing
keep smiling keep your environment clean and keep watching
‘The Kapil Sharma Show’ Goodbye and good night.

100 thoughts on “The Kapil Sharma Show Season 2 – Ep 45 – Full Episode – 1st June, 2019

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